


Insert Snappy Title

by Lady_Rougarou



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Character Death, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-25
Updated: 2003-12-25
Packaged: 2017-12-29 22:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1010807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Rougarou/pseuds/Lady_Rougarou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Secret Agent Zabuza meets with an ex-agent of Gatou at the Starlight Lounge. Pure crack. I don't even apologize.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insert Snappy Title

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a Secret Santa exchange in 2003. It was originally illustrated but, unfortunately, those cracktastic drawings have been lost forever. I had no idea how to write this pairing, panicked the entire month, stayed up all night on Christmas Eve and this was the result.

Zabuza was stoically enjoying the final bites of his meal when the waitress came by with a wink and a smile to drop off the check. When she was gone, Zabuza spied the price on the bill and groaned. He removed his Konoha Express Card from the wallet in his back pocket and snatched the paper check from its plastic container and then paused in mid-action. Beneath the bill was a note: _Watchcom in exactly twenty-five minutes. This note will self destruct in one minute._

“Good timing,” he muttered, slipping his Konoha Express Card back into his wallet and exiting the small restaurant from the back.

“Hey!” his waitress cried, chasing him out of the backdoor. “You didn’t--”

BOOM.

“Shit,” she said.

***

Zabuza slipped into a dark alley and pushed back his expensive suit sleeve to reveal a normal looking watch. But as soon as he twisted the time change switch, the watch transformed itself into a six inch by six inch screen. Immediately, the shadowed face of the head agent of the spy organization came into focus.

“Zabuza! We have had a source come forward, an ex-agent of Gatou’s, with information on a super weapon that he has been developing. It is your mission to rendezvous with this ex-agent at the Starlight Lounge at six o’clock this afternoon, look for a young lady wearing a blue cocktail dress and a bun, find out all that you can and then destroy this weapon. You are the only man for the job. Are there any questions?”

“Not really, no. This is a simple plot for a simple fic.”

***

Zabuza entered the Starlight Lounge and gave the place a quick look over. Seemed pretty classy, actually, although it was nearly empty. Only three tables had occupants, including the small woman that he supposed was the source. She was sitting alone in a dark corner, sipping what seemed to be.. A sippy cup.

The secret agent approached the table and took a seat, looking so smooth and sexy that the other patrons in the lounge couldn’t help but stare. When they finally tore their eyes off of him Zabuza looked towards the woman sitting across from him and gawked.

“What?” she said, lowering the sippy cup from her lips and shifting in her booster seat.

“You’re a little boy,” Zabuza said. He stared.

“My name is Haku,” the little boy said. “I’m an ex-agent of Gatou. I have information on his newest scheme, a weapon of mass destruction capable of being modified to destroy the world or a single city. I know that you are Zabuza-san, the top agent of the Konoha Resistance. If anyone can use this information to save the world, it‘s you!”

“You’re a little boy,” Zabuza said.

“And you have no eyebrows but I find you incredibly sexy.”

“This is just outrageous. Lead me to the weapon, I’ll destroy it, and then drop you back off at daycare or something, kid.”

“…” Haku dabbed at his eyes. When Zabuza just stared at him and didn’t say anything, really didn’t even seem to care, Haku said, “I’m not really crying, I had something in my eye.”

“Sure.”

Haku then laid out all of the information that he had pertaining to the weapon, its location in an abandoned warehouse, the number of Gatou’s men, and after he finished his sippy cup, they were off!

***

The two entered the warehouse and immediately the lights flew on. They had fallen into a trap, an ambush of about thirty ninjas. The tallest, the only man without a facial mask, wasted no time in signaling for his ninja to attack.

“WAIT!” Haku yelled. Everyone froze in place. “The head ninja is supposed to announce himself and his purpose, and swear to defeat us!”

“Yeah,” said the head ninja, “but those silly bastards usually have a lower success rate. Don‘t you see movies?”

Haku considered this, and then took his own fighting stance. Zabuza fought to keep his eyes from rolling.

“Just get to fighting,” he said, removing a kunai from inside of his coat. “It’s going to be a cold day in Jigoku before a load of nameless assassins defeats the star of this fanfic.”

Haku clasped his hands together and shouted, “Zabusa-san, I believe in you!”

Zabusa chose to ignore the words of encouragement and got to kicking some serious ass. Haku, too, managed to fight, and did surprise Zabuza with his crazy acupuncture/needle skillz. When the floor was littered with twenty-nine bodies and the only one left standing was the unmasked leader, the two agents crossed their arms and got to interrogating. Well, Zabuza did. Haku stood there and attempted to seem intimidating. Which actually rhymes.

“Who’s your employer?” Zabuza demanded. The unmasked ninja began to hesitate, so Zabuza helped him out in making a decision to spill the beans. “If you don’t tell us I’m going to gnaw off your fingers and shove them into your anus one at a time. And if you’re still unsure, I’ll have this kid here put one of his needles straight up your urethra.”

Haku produced a thick six inch needle and smiled winningly.

“Gatou!” the man said. “He’s upstairs.. Please don’t abuse my urethra!” He burst into tears. “I need that, man, I need it..”

“Shut up! It seems a bit too easy. Why would Gatou be upstairs?” Zabuza snarled.

“The author of this fic is running out of time and that’s the easiest way,” the ninja said with a sob.

***

Upstairs was as sterile as a hospital and the same color, too. Stainless steel tables and chairs with white floors, walls, and ceilings. In the middle of the room stood Gatou’s weapon of mass destruction. It was perched on its own pedestal, pointing towards the only window in the large room. The gun itself was perhaps the most impressive weapon that Zabuza had seen in his long career of anti-Gatou ninja secret agent action. And it sort of looked like.. A penis.

“Zabuza-san..” Haku began to say in confusion, but Zabuza held up his hand for silence. Their eyes met.

Yeah, it was a penis.

But at least they’d found the weapon.

“I see you’ve found my weapon!” Gatou cried, annoying and repetitive as usual. He emerged from a closet (harhar) at the far end of the room. “You made it past my Ninjas of Doom.”

“That’s right!” said Haku, pointing a finger at Gatou. “They had no loyalty to a cruel man like you!”

“That, or Zabuza used his urethra trick.”

Haku looked sorely disappointed. 

“Don’t mope, kid, we‘ve all got our methods,” Zabuza said.

“Maybe you wouldn’t be in such a position if you hadn’t deflected, Haku,” Gatou taunted. “I offered you the world.”

“What’s the world without love?” Haku said. Zabuza looked at him as if he were retarded.

“Enough of this! I’ll have you both witness my destruction of the nation’s capital from first class seats. Are you ready?” Gatou approached the gun and switched it on. It powered up with a gentle hum.

“Zabuza-san,” Haku whispered, “we don’t know the specifications of this gun.. How are we supposed to stop it?”

“Shut up and let me think.” Zabuza narrowed his eyes and nibbled his bottom lip in a very childish and cute manner. Haku watched him with watery eyes.

“Begin the countdown!” Gatou cried, talking to no one. He did his own countdown. “Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Oh, fuck it! ONE!”

“No!” Zabuza didn’t have a plan, Haku knew it. They were powerless, unless.. Unless Haku intervened! He jumped in front of the ray as it went off.

“KID!” Zabuza said. “What the fuck is wrong with that kid? Now I’ll have to avenge him.” But when Zabuza turned towards the man, there was no one there. Swinging slowly was the ceiling hatch. Gatou had escaped unharmed! That’s when Zabuza noticed the ticking.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

BOOM.

The room exploded, taking the magnificent penis gun with it. From a helicopter above, Gatou laughed maniacally at the scene of devastation below. If he couldn’t take down the capital he at least got an abandoned warehouse. The helicopter zoomed off into the night sky.

It was a great thing that Haku was dead already when they landed, because he broke Zabuza’s fall.

Standing, the secret agent realized that he was more than a little bit pissed off at the outcome of this mission. Didn’t he get a long, tearful moment to say goodbye to Haku, who he just now realized he loved with all of his heart and wanted to marry and have kids with and a house with a picket fence and maybe a barn with a couple of horses, a few dogs, a goat-- Well, something like that.

He lifted the limp, lifeless body of Haku and hefted it over his shoulder. The young man’s bun had come off, still connected to the scalp, the skin sloughing off and landing on the bloodied cement.

“Let’s blow this Popsicle stand, kid,” Zabuza said quietly, in a serious amount of lovesick denial. A little late, ass hole. The only response was Haku’s arm and head slipping loose of the limp body with a sickening sound and hitting the cement to explode into unrecognizable flesh.

Mission accomplished?

Merry fucking Christmas.


End file.
